Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
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