Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
