The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Randomize
