Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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