In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
