Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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