he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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