Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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