apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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