You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
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So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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