im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
