Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
