I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
