All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
