I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
