I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
