If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
