i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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