So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
