I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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