I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
