my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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