I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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