is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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