Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
