it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
