listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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