I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
