I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
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