Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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