fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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