May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just cropdusted the office
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
