I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
