I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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