He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
