the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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