FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
