wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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