I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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