Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
