i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
