I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
