Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
