i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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