call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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