we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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