Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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