Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
