Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
