No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
