Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
