She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
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