dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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