We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
