Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
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You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
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He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
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