I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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