So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
only you would photoshop your dick
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
